


Drunken Cephalopods

by TheWriterTriad



Series: Splatoon Oneshots [1]
Category: Splatoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:34:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWriterTriad/pseuds/TheWriterTriad
Summary: It appears that DJ Octavio and Cap'n Cuttlefish could get rather tipsy back in the day. And what is a cephalopod to do when they get drunk? Why, sing shanties, of course.Written by: Shads





	Drunken Cephalopods

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by and dedicated to Juggernaut-Ghost from the Splatoon Discord.

It was three o’clock in the morning on a Monday. All was dark in Inkopolis, save for the faint glow of streetlights. Here and there nightbirds flitted about, one of them letting out an unhappy squawk as Judd tried to pounce on it. Fortunately for the bird, the cat missed by mere inches, and the bird would live to sing another day.

Few of the residents of the city were out and about at this time of day. Why would they wish to trek through the cold and lonely darkness? For starters, it wasn’t safe. All sorts of street urchins lurked about in the shadows, waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting citizen. Not to mention the fact that in the night, it would be easy to lose one’s way. The few evolved sea creatures that were out moved quickly, silently, hoping to draw as little attention to themselves as possible.

One such creature was a little pink anemone girl named Blanche, who was hurrying home from a friend’s house. Faint snores, coming from her clownfish companion Corinne, could be heard softly peppering the air around her. 

“Oh, mother’s going to flay us alive if she realizes how late we are getting home.” Blanche murmured to herself in worry, stumbling slightly on the uneven path. It wasn’t like she had intended to stay over there so late. No, quite the contrary, Blanche was a good little girl who listened to her mother. But tonight the child had fallen asleep while watching a movie, and had not awoken from her slumber until long after her curfew. 

Now, had the pinkette been thinking clearly, it would have been better to remain at her friend’s house. While the girl’s mother most certainly would have been furious over the impromptu sleepover, at the very least her daughter would have been safe. But out here in the darkness, safety was never guaranteed. No one knew what prowled in the night, and a child as young as she was made quite the tempting target. 

A faint rustling sound filled the air, coupled with some muffled exclamations and heavy footsteps. Blanche flinched, reaching up into her fluffy tentacles to gently shake her clownfish friend.

“Corinne? Corinne, wake up? Do you hear that?” She hissed softly. 

“Huh? Wha…?” Corinne let out a yawn, shaking her head a few times to clear the sleepy fog from her brain. “Oh, hi Blanche. Are we still at Brianna’s house?”

“Shhh, be quiet.” Blanche replied. “Don’t you hear that?”

The noise had grown closer now in the brief conversation between the anemone and the clownfish. Quickly the pair came to a stop on the dusty footpath, just under the halo of a streetlight. There were bushes nearby, and soon the pair had hid themselves among the leaves. Blanche was trembling, and little Corinne had buried herself in the girl’s tentacles as well as she could. It was clear that they were terrified, and as the sounds continued to grow steadily louder it became possible to pick out some distinct words.

_“Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!  
_Early in the morning!”__

__

__

_____ _

Now that, admittedly, was rather unexpected. Singing, at this time of night? Blanche expected to hear yelling, screaming, and overall just a general angry cacophony of sound. She certainly did not dream that the sounds of a shanty would fill the air instead.

_“What will we do with a drunken sailor?_  
_What will we do with a drunken sailor?_  
_What will we do with a drunken sailor?  
_Early in the morning!”__

__

__

_____ _

A dark mass rounded the corner, stumbling over its feet. Closer examination when said mass passed under the lights revealed it to be a pair of men, one an Inkling and the other an Octoling. Both were dressed in work clothing, something that a pair of construction workers would probably wear. They had arms thrown around each other for support, and in their free hands they held glass bottles filled with amber liquid. Given how the pair was hiccuping and careening all over the place as they belted out their song, it was probably alcohol of some kind. 

_“Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!  
_Early in the morning!”__

__

__

_____ _

“Ha ha, Octavio, this is the life!” The Inkling laughed raucously, pausing to take another swig of his liquor. “I have the greatest fiancee in the world, and the best friend on land. What more could I need?”

 

“Not much, Cuttlefish, not much at all.” Octavio replied with a hiccup, his words slurring together as he staggered forward clumsily. “Took you long enough to pop the question, though.”

“Ah, but I did, didn’t I?” Cuttlefish bellowed, ignoring the small squeak of fear that came out of Corinne. While Blanche was slowly starting to feel slightly less afraid, the same could not be said for the clownfish. 

“To health, wealth, and happiness for the future bride and groom!” Octavio tripped over his feet, smashing his face against one of the lamp posts that dotted the path. “Cheers!”

The two men clinked bottles before taking a few more swigs of liquor, sputtering and coughing as it raced down their throats.

_“Put ‘em in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him!_  
_Put ‘em in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him!_  
_Put ‘em in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him!  
_Early in the morning!”__

__

__

_____ _

“Is this some sort of strange cephalopod ritual, do you think?” Blanche hissed to Corinne, who was still trembling. The two men were still lurching and swaying all over the place as they slowly and unsteadily made their way down the walkway. Several times they nearly fell over, as if they were a pair of dancers gifted with two left feet and not a drop of grace.

_____ _

“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” Corinne replied. “What if they eat clownfish? I don’t want to die!”

_____ _

“I won’t let them do that.” Blanche said, flinching as Cuttlefish plopped onto the pavement right in front of the bus they were hiding in. The fall didn’t seem to affect the Inkling in the slightest, who chose to burst out laughing. Octavio began to chuckle as well, finding the situation rather hilarious.

_____ _

It took several tries for Cuttlefish to regain his wobbling feet, and when he did so the pair continued to trek down the street, singing their shanty drunkenly all the way.

_____ _

_“Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!  
_Early in the morning!”_ _

____

________ _ _ _ _

Blanche slowly crawled out of the bushes once she judged it to be safe enough to emerge from her hiding place. Was it a wise choice to make, given how quickly drunks could go from being bumbling fools to violent adversaries? No, probably not, but in her short life Blanche had never even heard of alcohol, let alone how it could affect the mind.

________ _ _ _ _

And, like most young children, Blanche was quite the curious lady indeed. She wanted to see more of this strange, funny pair. Their stumbling, dance-like clumsiness as they walked was as amusing to the girl as it was to Cuttlefish and Octavio, causing a childish giggle to escape her lips. 

________ _ _ _ _

“Have you lost your mind?” Corinne demanded, scandalized and fearful at her companion's actions. “What if they see us?”

________ _ _ _ _

“Calm down, Corinne.” Blanch whispered, craning her neck and stretching up on her tiptoes to get a better look at the pair of evolved cephalopods. “I think we’re fine around them. Besides, don’t you think that song their singing is funny?”

________ _ _ _ _

As if to punctuate that remark, the pair burst out into another verse, belting out the words as if the whole world needed to hear them. 

________ _ _ _ _

_“Put him in the brig until he’s sober!_  
_Put him in the brig until he’s sober!_  
_Put him in the brig until he’s sober!  
_Early in the morning!”_ _

____

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

“No, I really don’t.” Corinne whimpered. “I want to go home! I don’t like being out here in the dark. It’s scary! What if those men turn around and decide to go after us or something?” 

____

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

“Quit being such a worrywort.” Blanche retorted, shaking her head slightly. “C’mon, let’s get going. I want to follow them.”

____

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

“What about going home? Going home is nice.” The clownfish pleaded. 

____

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

“In a minute.” Blanche began to tiptoe down the sidewalk, eagerly sneaking after them. Corinne was shaking, letting out a yelp as the men once more broke out into song. 

____

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_“Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!_  
_Weigh-hay and up she rises!  
_Early in the morning!”_ _

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

The music faded as the men turned the corner, continuing to swig from their bottles.

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

“To a happy wife and a happy life!” One of them called out. “Cheers!”

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

For a moment, neither Blanche nor Corinne moved. 

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

“Did that just happen?” Blanche inquired finally. It seemed that the bizarreness of the situation had finally caught up to the girl.

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

“I’m not certain.” Corinne admitted. “Can we go home now? I don’t like being out here, it’s scary.”

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

“Okay, Corinne.” Blanche began to hurry on down the street again, finally relenting a bit. “I suppose it would be best for us to be on our way now.” 

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

The little girl continued rushing home, smiling a bit as faintly the notes of another shanty started up in the distance. Her mother would be furious about her coming home late, that much was for certain. No doubt the anemone was in for quite the lecture when she finally arrived. 

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

“I like them.” She giggled. “They’re funny.” 

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _

“No, they’re weird.” Corinne replied with an eyeroll. “Cephalopods. I will never understand them.”

______ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _


End file.
